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Trueself

Lifeline

My life almost ended at one point.

I didn’t want to be in a place where I was controlled, humiliated, emotionally abused, and starred down by society.

I was hurt, insecure, lost, depressed, and alone.

My existence didn’t matter.

I just didn’t see the purpose to live anymore…

Up until two years ago those words ran across my head like a whirlwind. I was very vulnerable and would believe anything anyone would say about me.

I believed what they thought of me.

I became that person.

I became the worthless person they thought I was. Who, anything I ever do, will never be enough. Will never be seen.

That person who is too short to reach anything. Too young to achieve anything. Too tiny to be taken seriously. Too insecure to deserve anything good. Incapable of achieving anything.

I was emotionally abused by hurtful words over and over again by the people I trusted the most. Those filters lived in my head.

They created my reality.

I have never mentioned this to anyone but I’m ready to tell the world now.

I am ready to show all those people that told me that I can’t do anything

That I won’t go anywhere with my life

That I will never become somebody.

I am ready to tell them that I AM SOMEONE!

I do matter.

I don’t need your approval to accept myself.

Me!

I have fallen in love with myself enough to be enough.

After all those years of feeling depressed, killing myself inside out.

To the point of actually attempting it…

I found my voice to speak.

To speak up!

I will rise.

I found a new perspective in life.

I became immune to your world and started living mine.

Now it just scares the shit out of you for the monster you have unleashed.

So I thank you.

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I Declare

I’m a strong women. I have worked my ass off to become the person I am today. I have become extremely self aware and confident for who I have become. To stay away from manipulation, toxic and controlling people. To spot the red flags right from the beginning with my intuition.

I know them.

I see right through them.

I created a lifestyle that is out of the norm and that is suitable for me. I surrounded myself with people who understand and live in similar ways. Some of them are just their for entertainment and others are their for life.

I am a loyal trustful person and live within the Now in most cases. I don’t care what people think or what they say or what they might say.

No one has walked my path, lived my pain, or saw life through my eyes.

No one.

In the end people will die and all that matters is my well being and if I felt comfortable.

I will keep living.

I will keep kissing a girl.

I will keep rebelling.

I will keep living in my own world.

I will keep being independent.

I will keep loving.

I will keep standing up for my values.

I will keep challenging you and I.

I will keep all my relationships balanced.

I will keep protecting my man.

I will keep fighting.

I will keep doing me.

So long as i’m not hurting a single soul, I will continue to make decisions based on that. It may not always be the best decision. So long as i’m ok and make peace with it, then at that time, in that moment, It is the best damn decision I can make!

This is who I am.

If you are insecure about yourself. Can’t step out of your bubble to see a unique view. If you can’t accept me for who I am. Then you have a long way to go and I will not be apart of that.

I just care about myself too much to have you drop me back to worthlessness.

I am free lioness ready to roar!!!

This is my declaration.

~Yaz~

Blinded By My Thoughts

How could I blame you when it was I who was injustice?

I have been blinded.

Blinded my own thoughts, my own world, my own views.

I didn’t see…I didn’t Believe…

What’s in front of me all along.

Blinded by a justifiable negligence.

I failed to recognize.

A smile filled with luminous intensity.

A heart unfolded.

A gaze penetrated.

What is happening?

Melting at the touch of my palm against his warm cheek.

Aching from the fire within.

What have I done to this humane soul?

How cruel it is…

To crush the heart of a man on his knees?

It is but a true nature of an antagonistic being.

I was antagonistic.

A stunning creature brought to this earth to surrender to me.

For me.

For the truth is…

It is I who kneels before you.

Aching for your compassion.

For your touch.

For your affable self.

Filled with awareness.

I avow my soul into yours.

~Yaz~

A Drop of Memory


In the vast sea of endless remarks lies a bed
A bed of tears
Each tear holds a memory

While I reminisce of the time I have now and the time I already had.

I lay their crying 

Every tear that falls in the sea opens a door to see through.

To see through the other side.

To remember.

Each stage that passed left a scar.

Each scar integrated this beautiful being intricately.

This being called I.

-Yaz-

What’s love to you? 

You say you love me and everything you do comes out of love

Yet I see it differently

When I ask you to watch me do a cart-wheel 

You raise your hand and tell me not now

When I confine in you what I feel

The entire naighbor knows

I ask you how I look when I changed my style for you to notice

You plain out said you look like crap

You pushed me away at every turn and when you come to tell me something you want me to do you force it on me

You get angry because I shouldn’t be mad, and that you were just “talking”

When in fact

You neglected my ideas, threw my opinion in the trash, disregarded my existence to make a decision,

Made me feel like a nobody 

You made me one of your puppets that you can dress, and then get upset because things don’t go the way you planned them

The way you expexted them to

YOU

And you think that’s giving love? 

As long as you keep living in your perfect dream of reality that’s in your head, you’re going to be very  disappointed

Life doesn’t revolve around your narcissism

You can only drag people like you in your circle

You cannot take me

You do not own me

I take responsibility for my life and decisions 

You don’t make them for me

You gave me everything but the one things that truly matters…

I just want to know, in your head what does love feel like to you? 

You ask me why I can’t feel you…

I speak

I’m told to be quite

I sing

I’m silenced 

I dance

I’m told to sit

I play outside

I’m told not to get dirty

I ask a question 

I’m told when you get older you’ll know

I sit with the older kids

I’m told to act my age

I cry

I’m told to hold it in

I ask to play with you

I’m told you don’t have time

I get hurt/injured

I’m told thats life

I kiss you

I’m told i’m grown up for that

I was 8 years old then. If you can’t find the time to answer, play, laugh, and love me. How can I be myself around you. Do you honestly believe im going to be the same? 

If I show any sign of emotion and affection, i’m told and taught over and over again to suppress it. 

If my own parents thought they were teaching me to be better, they were stripping me of my identity.

She has no idea, that i go to bed crying on my pillow every night because I can’t show her my emotional side. I can’t even show her that I care. 

To the point where I can’t love her. 

I’m 24 now, im still suffering from emotional sabotage of my mothers parenting. You think it doesn’t matter. You think it doesn’t affect me. 

It has affected me and every relationship I have tried to be in. 

And you ask me why I can’t feel you. 

Remember to look…

As I walk in the darkness of my realm, my mind wont stop thinking. Thinking about you… You have emasculated my inner thoughts well enough with my emotions when I have been heartless.

But you can’t hear me.

You can’t feel me…

My thoughts want to scream out, I have been over thinking too much. Help me

As I walk in the darkness looking down, feeling the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the ache in my chest. Tears streaming down my face. I ask Why?

Why does it have to be you?

Of all the people that come into my life and meet. You!

I look up.

The sky was beyond amazing. It was so dark the stars lit up so vividly. I couldn’t help but smile. How was I so caught up in myself that I almost failed to see the other world above me?

That split instance just changed the course of my being. My existance. I made a decision.

A decision that you would no longer control my mind. You cannot make me happy or sad, as you wish. You no longer can hurt me. You can not own my emotions unless give you the authority.

Oh my dear, how I have giving you too much of me that you don’t deserve.

I’m the exception. You want to keep me, yet you can’t. You are affected by me as much as I am by you. We laugh and joke, even flirt around harmlessly. But there is a secret.

You are commited. Commited to her. 

I Know. I understand.

I don’t deserve to suffer because of it though. I can’t keep playing this charade. You are happy with me, I can see the sparkle in your green beautiful eyes. What you fail to see, is that it’s happening on behalf of my expense.

If you knew how much it’s hurting me, would you keep playing? 

I am worthy of more. I am capable of love and to be loved in so many ways. Yet, it’s so hard to believe that.

You happened to be a part of my journey. I am strong enough to know it doesn’t end with you. You have opened my heart to care. Yes you will still be dear to me and Yes I still care for you.

Thank you for the lesson, I needed it to become the person I need to be.

As long as I remember to look up, that sky, that smile. I know you don’t own me.

I own me.

-Yaz-

Being ‘not good enough’ isn’t our biggest fear, We fear most being greater than what we ever expected…

There will always be those who look down on us. Who will try to undermine our strength, our capability, and our desire. Those that will crush our dreams before we even get to imagine them. 

Why?

For the fear of us actually having the courage to do them, in which they lack. The fear of us succeeding, in which they fail. The fear of us being powerful, in which they have no control over. 

Are you going to let them stop you? Do you have what it takes to be you? Are you going to give yourself the opportunity to at least try? 

I know you have what it takes. All you need is that push. That tiny change of mindset to take action. NOW! Not tomorrow, but now! Don’t blend in with the rest of the crowd. You were born to be greater than that! 

-Yaz-

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